'S been a long time

Since I last wrote I've moved like 4 times and made a whole other person! Crazy. We finally got our girl! Delilah Raelynn. She is my sugar and sunshine. Shines so bright I can't even sleep. Haha seriously. We lived in California. Now we're back in the 206. Well...425 but whatevs. Why am I writing? Well now that's a good question. I use to write all the time. Practically slept with a pen in my hand. But the words left with the anger that filled me up in my youth. Which is good. But I liked to write so it was kinda sad too. Now I think about writing again and I just feel lost. I mostly feel that way these days. Not just because of the new baby and moving back and getting older....ok maybe all of those things. When I was a kid I felt special. Like I had a chance at something special. I'm not ungrateful for the blessings in my life, cuz Lord knows I have a bundle, but I definitely don't feel special. I feel so beyond ordinary I want to scream. And not even really ordinary, but " less than" Like that freaking symbol < That's me. My new call sign. I guess now that the baby is here there is this unrealistic expectation that I should suddenly have finished all the shit I ever said I'd do or wanted to do. Small things like...having finished school, have a career and weigh what I did before three kids and 12 years of delicious sugary carbs found their way to my ass. and since none of that is happening I feel like a failure. I just wanna scream...and then sleep for two days straight. Good God am I tired. But I can't bitch out loud because I have an awesome life. Seriously, no joke. My husband is awesome, hard working, good looking loves my kids, mostly likes me ( except for the fat part), makes great money, I have three beautiful, HEALTHY kids INCLUDING the baby girl I always dreamed of, a roof over my head, more food and clean water than I can shake a stick at...the list goes on. So what is my fucking problem??? I'm not unhappy. I'm just...lost. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I feel like I have no voice. That all my little dreams I've ever had we're bullshit. Like I don't matter. Except then one of my kids hugs me or my baby smiles just for me and I feel better in that moment. I feel like whatever expectation there was for me as a younger person has not been lived up to and everything that's. comes after is just left overs. Whatever you can grab. I feel like crap. But I'm not unhappy. Does that make sense? Who cares. It probably just means that I'm gonna start my period or I need to go back on medication. But since I barely wrote before and it's been two years since my last entry I doubt anyone will see this anyway. How's that for a blog. I even suck at this. Hahaha