'S been a long time

Since I last wrote I've moved like 4 times and made a whole other person! Crazy. We finally got our girl! Delilah Raelynn. She is my sugar and sunshine. Shines so bright I can't even sleep. Haha seriously. We lived in California. Now we're back in the 206. Well...425 but whatevs. Why am I writing? Well now that's a good question. I use to write all the time. Practically slept with a pen in my hand. But the words left with the anger that filled me up in my youth. Which is good. But I liked to write so it was kinda sad too. Now I think about writing again and I just feel lost. I mostly feel that way these days. Not just because of the new baby and moving back and getting older....ok maybe all of those things. When I was a kid I felt special. Like I had a chance at something special. I'm not ungrateful for the blessings in my life, cuz Lord knows I have a bundle, but I definitely don't feel special. I feel so beyond ordinary I want to scream. And not even really ordinary, but " less than" Like that freaking symbol < That's me. My new call sign. I guess now that the baby is here there is this unrealistic expectation that I should suddenly have finished all the shit I ever said I'd do or wanted to do. Small things like...having finished school, have a career and weigh what I did before three kids and 12 years of delicious sugary carbs found their way to my ass. and since none of that is happening I feel like a failure. I just wanna scream...and then sleep for two days straight. Good God am I tired. But I can't bitch out loud because I have an awesome life. Seriously, no joke. My husband is awesome, hard working, good looking loves my kids, mostly likes me ( except for the fat part), makes great money, I have three beautiful, HEALTHY kids INCLUDING the baby girl I always dreamed of, a roof over my head, more food and clean water than I can shake a stick at...the list goes on. So what is my fucking problem??? I'm not unhappy. I'm just...lost. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I feel like I have no voice. That all my little dreams I've ever had we're bullshit. Like I don't matter. Except then one of my kids hugs me or my baby smiles just for me and I feel better in that moment. I feel like whatever expectation there was for me as a younger person has not been lived up to and everything that's. comes after is just left overs. Whatever you can grab. I feel like crap. But I'm not unhappy. Does that make sense? Who cares. It probably just means that I'm gonna start my period or I need to go back on medication. But since I barely wrote before and it's been two years since my last entry I doubt anyone will see this anyway. How's that for a blog. I even suck at this. Hahaha

Times they are a changin...

My oh my its been awhile, and since no one reads this anyways I'm sure you don't care! hahaha I'll post something new just to get it out of my head. Seems like last we spoke we had arrived back in the US from Japan! We rented a great house where the boys had lots of room to play and we've been here for a WHOLE YEAR!!! But its time for yet another going away party for the Justus Clan because we are moving again!!!! Ahh....the catch this time is that its for a solid job and not just hopes and dreams!!! =) Not that I am knocking hopes and dreams ya'll. So Nathan has been working at the job that brought us back from Japan for over a year. He applied for a few jobs with no luck. Then he applied for another job...which they told him no for because he didn't have enough time on the job for that particular one....but there was another job with that company that might work. The catch was that it was in California. So he applied, why not right?! Well, lots of interviews and a plane ride later he got the job!!! He gave two week notice to his current job and now is finishing up his first week at his new job in California. Because they wanted him to start so soon there was not time to get things in order for all of us to go. So while he is starting his new job and looking for a place for us to live the boys and I are finishing up school and packing up the house to move down with him at the end of the month! Yay! Its been a long time coming, but I think we are finally out of the rut we've been in the last 5 years! We are hoping that this move will be a permanent one and that we can finally settle down and really feel at home. I will continue my schooling there and with any luck will be a nurse in a few years! =) That will help out our pocket book a bit!! =) So here's to California and new beginnings....again! Ps. It doesn't hurt that there is an average of 300 days of sunshine where we will be living also!!!

DIET DONE!

WOW! That was hard! but I did it =) I lost 14 lbs and noticeable inches on my waist and thighs =) Now I am working on maintaining a healthy diet and losing the other 15 lbs I want to lose! Dieting SUCKS! and I definitely just want to work out enough to enjoy whatever I want!

Day 16

I am so over this diet! LOL no, but seriously! I just want to eat!!! *sigh* When did it all get so complicated?! I never ever used to have to worry about my weight!! I gained a little after getting married, lost it and then had babies!!! After my first my weight went back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was about 10lbs more than I wanted to weigh). After my second I got stuck 10lbs heavier than the 10lbs I had already wanted to lose!!! Boo. I really want a tread mill....but the darn things are so expensive! Ive decided that I would rather run and work out a lot so I can eat what I want than be on a diet all the time!! I mean, eat what I want within reason! Not gorge myself on the good/bad stuff! I am not one of those people who can eat the same thing everyday and I am NOT satisfied with just veggies and chicken!! Come on!!! Why is it so bad to love potatoes???? *sigh*

I'm on day 16 and I'm still only at minus 11 lbs....and its that time of month which is not gonna help with the scale gosh darn it. (sorry tmi) I'm annoyed. I've worked so hard and I'm only at half my goal with only 7 days left....we'll see the end results. I'll tell you one thing. I am not doing this diet again! While it may be effective, its a pain the butt and not much fun! Although....I do really like eating apples everyday, that part I will keep I think! =) You know what they say...an apple a day keeps the dr away! ahh, I'm a nerd, but you love me!

Day 11

Ok, so the diet is hard, but completely do-able!! i've lost 10lbs so far, but have gotten stuck =( So I am observing an apple day...guess what that is! lol I only get to eat apples all day...joy! So hopefully that gets me back on track. I really just want to eat...a sandwich, chocolate, an egg....something. ugh! Soon enough, soon enough!!! I'm getting there! Half way done! Woo hoo!

ALL MOVED!

Ok, I will start out by saying that I did the detox for 6 days and it wasn't so bad....until we started moving and I was working really hard and not able to eat anything!!! I start my diet tomorrow and will write more about that on Wed probably.

Anywho....the move!!! Friday my Mom watched the kids and I borrowed my cousin in law's truck and took a load over to the new house and then drove to Tacoma to get our stuff from Nathan's sister's house where we were storing it. I managed to fit it ALL in the truck! Because I am amazing! Then I drove the hour back to the house and unloaded it. THEN I went back to where we were moving from to get more stuff and moved that too!!!

Saturday...we started early and moved everything else out, including furniture. Then my mom and painted one of the rooms for the lady we house sat for. After that Nathan came to help me clean while Stephen stayed at our new house with the kids!! We were done by 7, which was good because that is when she got home!!!!!

Sunday....we skipped church because we could barely move! Relaxed a little and then went shopping for all the necessities! Including a new set of pots and pans for ME!!! YAY!!! We also got to see a family friend from Japan AND went to a birthday party for my cousin! Super busy weekend!!! Now I have to put everything together...the kitchen is an absolute wreck and there is laundry covering the whole floor in our room!!!! LOVING all the new space though =)

Day 4

Ok, so this is a busy week because we are moving this weekend and have lots of stuff do. ANYWAYS, I have been good! I've been following the detox and I have never wanted to eat so much in my life!!! The grocery store is torture and even driving down the main road with all the restaurants is brutal. But I have been strong!!

I lost 6 lbs as of yesterday, but I weighed myself after eating this morning and it said that I gained back 3lbs. So...I don't think that is accurate, but the purpose of the detox is to cleanse your system not to lose weight.

It's not so bad. It's definitely making the week a LOT longer! But on the up side, it will make the diet I go on seem a lot less restrictive!!

Anywho, that is the scoop. I'm still doing it, I'm hungry, but hopefully my body will be more ready for the diet I start next week.

Detox Day 1

Alright, it is day 1 of the detox I and doing before my diet. So far so good. The only thing I am really sad about is that I can't have coffee during the detox =(

The Ugly Truth:
I weigh 145. Ack! And now its online! Out in cyberspace!! Eww! Haha!

During the detox I take a supplement 3 times a day, drink lots of water and eat only whole foods ie: fruits, veggies and some unrefined grains like brown rice and quinoa. For a whole week! It's like a diet before my diet! But at least on the diet I am doing I can have coffee!

More later as I continue on this journey of rebooting my body =)

Ok ok ok

I'm terrible at keeping up with this thing. Anywho. I wanted to chat about Friday. Not the stupid song by that annoying teenie bopper, but last Friday. I was invited to go an event called Basic to Bombshell. Basically a lady I know from church, who is a photographer, got together with a couple of her friends who do makeup and styling and thought it would be fun to combine all of them into one fun filled girly night extraveganza!!! And so we did! And, because it was their first one and they needed promo shots, we got to go for FREE!!

I have wanted to do something like a makeover/photo shoot forever! Not because I think I am so gorgeous, but because I just think it would be awesome, as a girl, to get your hair and make done perfectly and have on the latest greatest clothes...and to have that moment documented so that on your normal bad hair day you can look at it and remember what it was to be pampered and that you really are beautiful despite how you may feel right then!!! This was just that!! Now granted, it was not a professional studio with all the outfits from all the designers and all that...it was better!! It was 5 or 6 ladies I'd never met before, who I got to know while munching on yummy treats, sipping wine and getting beautified!! It was FANTASTIC! I would do this again in a heartbeat for a party with close friends!!!!

Anywho...so that is where the profile pic came from. My glam night with the ladies! Def my fave picture of me now! =) But I haven't seen all the other ones she took yet!!

WAY OVER DUE

Ok, so I took a break from blogging while we were in Japan because Nathan had already come back to the states for a job interview. We had already planned on coming back, but it was a surprise to some of our family! Anywho, then we got back and it was Christmas time and Nathan started working and blah blah blah....so here it is! WE ARE BACK IN THE USA!!!

Nathan got a great job in Auburn, WA! We are up in Edmonds at the moment. We are house sitting until April and we are trying to figure out where to live. Nathan would like to be closer to work so that he is not commuting for so long. His brother also came back here with us and just got a job in Bellevue. So we are thinking either Bellevue or West Seattle. We shall see.

I joined MOPS at our old church and am having fun with that! We are also going to a parenting class about how to deal with crazy (which is normal) kids! AND we will be going to a fusion group at our church covering the same subject. We are excited about that because we are hoping to finally meet some other young families at Canyon Creek!!!

That is it....well, in a nutshell anyway! Super excited and happy to be back in the US!!! =)

Humble Pie

For those of you who don't know me and didn't want to read the novel that is the background info on me....my family and I have had a rough few years financially. We have uprooted and moved chasing one opportunity after another. Our emotions have been up and down and down and even further down! To add to our stress we had baby number two during the roughest part of our marriage to date (sweet blessing that he is). And now we are in Japan where I am constantly uncomfortable, annoyed and reminded that I am not where I want to be in life. But today I joined a networking website with our home church and as I was reading through the various prayer requests that people were making regarding their baby's heart transplant, or a friends 5-year-old's brain surgery hoping to cure the seizures she's been having 6 times an hour for a year or the prayer for a friend who got home from a 12 month deployment from Iraq and tragically watched his wife get hit by a car and killed right in front of him. And remember the funerals I went to of friend's children I knew who went home to Heaven far to early for one reason or another. And I have to say I feel blessed. During this time of giving thanks I have been struggling to stay positive, to not be angry at our situation, to remember our blessings and not be selfish. But it is so hard sometimes! Today I remember that as uncomfortable as I am, and angry as I am at our situation in life I AM BLESSED! I have two wonderful, healthy, beautiful children who are loved and fed and happy. I have a WONDERFUL and loving husband who would walk to the ends of the Earth for his family. I have two sets (thanks to marriage) of spectacular parents who are willing to go out of their way to put a roof over our heads in our time of need. I have many other family members who are willing to help and be supportive to us during our struggles. I have a multitude of friends who love and care for me and my family's situation and pray for us to find steady work and get back on our feet. And I have a God who, even though I can't always hear Him, loves me and has a good plan for our lives. So during this time of trial and tribulation, the nights of no sleep and days of constant anxiety over the next step in our journey together...I AM THANKFUL. I AM BLESSED. And I pray for all the people out there who have to deal with cancer and illness and death and infertility and financial hardship and divorce and other losses. You are not alone and you are loved!

Hairy Situation

Nathan couldn't stand it another day so he and Stephen tried to cut their own hair. LOL First, by using a beard trimmer and then by using some actual barber scissors. Stephen was the one experimented on and when he ended up looking like he had hair plugs he decided they needed to get an actual hair trimmer. They got one and then the fun really began!!! First it was just Nathan and Stephen...then Keagan, Caleb and even Jack!!! The only guy who missed out on the buzz cut today was Rick! hahaha The boys look soo cute =) It's so weird to see Keagan without his little faux hawk!! He looks like such a big boy! Jack doesn't really look any older, he kinda looks more like a baby with no hair. His hair is so thin still anyway that having it short doesn't make a whole lot of difference. Except to somehow make him cuter....if that is possible!!! =) Both boys loved it! Keagan was super excited to be a part of the action and Jack thought the trimmer tickled!! I would have cut my hair too, except the grow-out stage is such a pain in the butt!!!

"throws hands up"

Ever heard of having a bad day?...Try having some bad years! So sick of all the crap. Is it so bad to want an average life? I feel like I did used to be somewhat materialistic, not any more that your normal everyday Joe, but somewhat. Now the only things I hold onto are my toothbrush and contacts. Seriously. My thinking has shifted so much from when I was kid. Its crazy.

Something else I am curious about...why do we live our lives worried about what other people will think or say. Even now as I write this totally nonsensical post I am editing out some things I really want to say. Its so stupid. Will people love me less if I am completely honest and if that honesty isn't beautiful or even nice. Do I have to have sunshine coming out of my butt at all times in order to please the freakin world around me. I am so sick of having my hands tied and my mouth shut and my thoughts sensored. If you are reading this please know that I probably love you, or at least like you in someway, so please don't be offended. Don't read it if it offends you, don't expect me not to write it. This world doesn't revolve around you, it revolves around me. It's my blog.

I'm cranky and going to bed.

Japanistic

So, I have a few things to blog about today. And for the most part they are un-related! lol First, I was talking to Kelly (my SIL) the other day and she was telling me the Japanese people sit on the floor in the shower!!! WTH?! She asked her hubby about it, because he is Japanese, and he said that taking a shower is supposed to be relaxing and standing up isn't so they sit down. hahahaha! Gross! But they do have special mats that they buy so sit on the floor while they shower. If you want to sit while you bathe...take a bath??! Silly Japanese people.

Ok next on the agenda is that in the last few years I have realized how very few good friends I actually have and its really sad. I am here in Japan and I find myself wanting only to talk to a few choice people. Not that other people aren't important or lovely to be with, its just interesting to see who actually gives a $h^# when it matters. What bugs me most is when the people who ought to care don't. The people you wait for a response from and it never comes. The people who consistently disappoint you but you keep hoping. A big part of me wants to throw my hands up and say "fine, screw you," but I can't because, again, these are the people who are supposed to be there for you. So to all you out there who are loyal and actually care...THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. And to all you out there who don't, but should, thanks for nothing. You make my life just a little more miserable and you suck. (cuz its all about me of course, its my blog damn it)

For my final word...I have decided that Japanese isn't a real language. I have been here for two months! Its just a bunch of made up sounds and random scribbles, because seriously....I still don't get it. Is it because I don't like fish??? hmmmm

Good Day, Bad Day, Happy Day, Sad Day

Sunday was an interesting mix of good and bad, happy and sad...lots of mixed emotions! Mostly it was good. Keagan did great as far as potty training goes! NO accidents all day! And we had a family birthday party for Jack-a-Mo, finally! He had no idea what was going on, but we all had fun and he got some cute stuff =) He was mesmerized by the candle, but Daddy had to blow it out. Keagan was all for helping open the presents til he realized that he couldn't just take whatever he wanted from them! lol I made the cake and the frosting - because they don't sell frosting here and I didn't find the cake mixes until after I was done! *sigh* The cake turned out "alright" but the next time I make one from scratch there will be a few minor modifications to the recipe. I sorta kinda made a Winnie the Pooh looking character with my home made frosting. Luckily there was some really good ice cream to go with the cake!!! Eh....I tried!
The sad part of the day was learning that my grandfather had finally gone to be with Jesus. I'm glad I had so many distractions because otherwise I would have just cried all day. I have so many mixed emotions about not being able to be there for my parents now. Not being able to say goodbye or attend the funeral. But I know everything will go fine and he is in a better place now. So I just gotta suck it up and not feel sorry for myself, because ultimately that is what it comes down to.
In other news, happy news, Jack finally signs please now!! He just really got it yesterday!! He still squeals at you for whatever it is he wants, but he says please at the same time so its ok! =)

Shizuoka

Ruthanne, Nathan, the kids and I all went to Shizuoka today to turn in visa paperwork and application stuff. It was pretty fun! =) It's pretty small for a big city, but we did get to go to Starbucks!!! Crazy how something familiar can be so comforting and nice =) The elevators in the building for the immigration office were so small that the double stroller and I barely fit into it and we all had to go separately! Me and dbl stroller in one and Nathan, Ruthanne and the umbrella stroller in the other! lol And even though we were downtown there weren'y really any sidewalks on the main streets! Tre-weird I say. We did get to cross the road diaganally which was pretty darn spiffy though. Got some good video footage in the car of the kids....they are just so cute! And of course we had to stop at MacDonald's fo lunch or Keagan would have never forgiven us! hahaha Oh, a day in the life....

Sad

My Grandpa George is in the hospital right now and his kidneys have finally failed. Its not a surprise, but hard all the same. I'm just so thankful that we got to spend a little time with him before we came to Japan and he got to meet Keagan and Jack! Its hard not being able to be there for my Dad as he is going through this, and for my Mom who is helping him through it or even to say goodbye to him one more time. Although those are not the memories I want to keep of him I suppose. My Mom said that he is not in too much pain and he's not alone. He is not a candidate for dialysis so I guess now its just a waiting game. Love you Grandpa George!!!!

Homework

Well, I went with Angela and got some books to learn Hiragana and Katakana, two of the alphabets here. its pretty interesting. the books are for 4-5 year olds so....I'm feeling pretty funny studying my little book with a teddy bear on it! hahaha There is just so much to learn! Hopefully I will be able to remember some of it though! Some of it is so similar though and I just don't get what the difference is! Plus there is no way, that I know of yet, to know when you hold something or make it short except by learning as you go. Like Nathan was ah-meh (short) means candy but ah-meh (longer) means rain.....hmmmm????? Okay, well, I'm still gonna try =) i'll let you know more on how it goes! Matane!!!

Over The Hill

I "ran" again today! I don't weigh any less though and that was my second time! WTH?! LOL Anywho...I'm gonna try to do it more often. There is a really nice track nearby that goes along the river.
Got surprised by a cockroach in the shower after my "run"...super fun! I totally screamed like a girl =)
All the family, except Stephen who is in Tokyo, came over for dinner tonight. Monday is typically the Justus Family day off and it's Jamie's last one here since she and the girls leave Thursday. So, everyone came over for dinner and a surprise-ish birthday party for Nathan and Angela!!! They share a birthday, October 3rd, and this year is a big one (30 and 40) so we celebrated while Jamie was here!! =) They got "Older Than Dirt" and "Almost Older Than Dirt" cakes! And lots of gifts. It was fun!
Now all the kids are in bed and the house is mostly cleaned up and we are watching the end of ID4 on tv. Good Times, good times!!

Diiner for...12!!!

I made 2 lasagnas tonight for dinner!!! There were about 12 of us, and that wasn't even all the family here. We were missing like 9 people!!! It was really good, Ruthanne made the salad, which was also really good!! I had to actually boil the noodles though...blah! Now I remember why I always use the "oven ready" kind =) I also made brownies (from a box, not scratch) so I am in a food coma now! I really just want to go to sleep, but we have Grey's to watch =) I also found out that I have TWO, not just one, episodes of Vampire Diaries to watch!!! Yay! That will have to wait for tomorrow I think. =)

Jack is doing great in his own room!! Third night in a row and we are all sleeping much better! He's such a faker, trying to play like he couldn't sleep through the night lol.

It rained today and was actually cooler! No A/C all day....that is the first time since we've been here that we haven't used A/C! It was still probably high 60's, maybe even 70, but the difference was amazing! I wish it would stay like this, but alas, I am told that its supposed to get back up in the 80s next week. =( Am i just weird???

Well, that is all for now! =)