'S been a long time

Since I last wrote I've moved like 4 times and made a whole other person! Crazy. We finally got our girl! Delilah Raelynn. She is my sugar and sunshine. Shines so bright I can't even sleep. Haha seriously. We lived in California. Now we're back in the 206. Well...425 but whatevs. Why am I writing? Well now that's a good question. I use to write all the time. Practically slept with a pen in my hand. But the words left with the anger that filled me up in my youth. Which is good. But I liked to write so it was kinda sad too. Now I think about writing again and I just feel lost. I mostly feel that way these days. Not just because of the new baby and moving back and getting older....ok maybe all of those things. When I was a kid I felt special. Like I had a chance at something special. I'm not ungrateful for the blessings in my life, cuz Lord knows I have a bundle, but I definitely don't feel special. I feel so beyond ordinary I want to scream. And not even really ordinary, but " less than" Like that freaking symbol < That's me. My new call sign. I guess now that the baby is here there is this unrealistic expectation that I should suddenly have finished all the shit I ever said I'd do or wanted to do. Small things like...having finished school, have a career and weigh what I did before three kids and 12 years of delicious sugary carbs found their way to my ass. and since none of that is happening I feel like a failure. I just wanna scream...and then sleep for two days straight. Good God am I tired. But I can't bitch out loud because I have an awesome life. Seriously, no joke. My husband is awesome, hard working, good looking loves my kids, mostly likes me ( except for the fat part), makes great money, I have three beautiful, HEALTHY kids INCLUDING the baby girl I always dreamed of, a roof over my head, more food and clean water than I can shake a stick at...the list goes on. So what is my fucking problem??? I'm not unhappy. I'm just...lost. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I feel like I have no voice. That all my little dreams I've ever had we're bullshit. Like I don't matter. Except then one of my kids hugs me or my baby smiles just for me and I feel better in that moment. I feel like whatever expectation there was for me as a younger person has not been lived up to and everything that's. comes after is just left overs. Whatever you can grab. I feel like crap. But I'm not unhappy. Does that make sense? Who cares. It probably just means that I'm gonna start my period or I need to go back on medication. But since I barely wrote before and it's been two years since my last entry I doubt anyone will see this anyway. How's that for a blog. I even suck at this. Hahaha

Times they are a changin...

My oh my its been awhile, and since no one reads this anyways I'm sure you don't care! hahaha I'll post something new just to get it out of my head. Seems like last we spoke we had arrived back in the US from Japan! We rented a great house where the boys had lots of room to play and we've been here for a WHOLE YEAR!!! But its time for yet another going away party for the Justus Clan because we are moving again!!!! Ahh....the catch this time is that its for a solid job and not just hopes and dreams!!! =) Not that I am knocking hopes and dreams ya'll. So Nathan has been working at the job that brought us back from Japan for over a year. He applied for a few jobs with no luck. Then he applied for another job...which they told him no for because he didn't have enough time on the job for that particular one....but there was another job with that company that might work. The catch was that it was in California. So he applied, why not right?! Well, lots of interviews and a plane ride later he got the job!!! He gave two week notice to his current job and now is finishing up his first week at his new job in California. Because they wanted him to start so soon there was not time to get things in order for all of us to go. So while he is starting his new job and looking for a place for us to live the boys and I are finishing up school and packing up the house to move down with him at the end of the month! Yay! Its been a long time coming, but I think we are finally out of the rut we've been in the last 5 years! We are hoping that this move will be a permanent one and that we can finally settle down and really feel at home. I will continue my schooling there and with any luck will be a nurse in a few years! =) That will help out our pocket book a bit!! =) So here's to California and new beginnings....again! Ps. It doesn't hurt that there is an average of 300 days of sunshine where we will be living also!!!

DIET DONE!

WOW! That was hard! but I did it =) I lost 14 lbs and noticeable inches on my waist and thighs =) Now I am working on maintaining a healthy diet and losing the other 15 lbs I want to lose! Dieting SUCKS! and I definitely just want to work out enough to enjoy whatever I want!

Day 16

I am so over this diet! LOL no, but seriously! I just want to eat!!! *sigh* When did it all get so complicated?! I never ever used to have to worry about my weight!! I gained a little after getting married, lost it and then had babies!!! After my first my weight went back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was about 10lbs more than I wanted to weigh). After my second I got stuck 10lbs heavier than the 10lbs I had already wanted to lose!!! Boo. I really want a tread mill....but the darn things are so expensive! Ive decided that I would rather run and work out a lot so I can eat what I want than be on a diet all the time!! I mean, eat what I want within reason! Not gorge myself on the good/bad stuff! I am not one of those people who can eat the same thing everyday and I am NOT satisfied with just veggies and chicken!! Come on!!! Why is it so bad to love potatoes???? *sigh*

I'm on day 16 and I'm still only at minus 11 lbs....and its that time of month which is not gonna help with the scale gosh darn it. (sorry tmi) I'm annoyed. I've worked so hard and I'm only at half my goal with only 7 days left....we'll see the end results. I'll tell you one thing. I am not doing this diet again! While it may be effective, its a pain the butt and not much fun! Although....I do really like eating apples everyday, that part I will keep I think! =) You know what they say...an apple a day keeps the dr away! ahh, I'm a nerd, but you love me!

Day 11

Ok, so the diet is hard, but completely do-able!! i've lost 10lbs so far, but have gotten stuck =( So I am observing an apple day...guess what that is! lol I only get to eat apples all day...joy! So hopefully that gets me back on track. I really just want to eat...a sandwich, chocolate, an egg....something. ugh! Soon enough, soon enough!!! I'm getting there! Half way done! Woo hoo!

ALL MOVED!

Ok, I will start out by saying that I did the detox for 6 days and it wasn't so bad....until we started moving and I was working really hard and not able to eat anything!!! I start my diet tomorrow and will write more about that on Wed probably.

Anywho....the move!!! Friday my Mom watched the kids and I borrowed my cousin in law's truck and took a load over to the new house and then drove to Tacoma to get our stuff from Nathan's sister's house where we were storing it. I managed to fit it ALL in the truck! Because I am amazing! Then I drove the hour back to the house and unloaded it. THEN I went back to where we were moving from to get more stuff and moved that too!!!

Saturday...we started early and moved everything else out, including furniture. Then my mom and painted one of the rooms for the lady we house sat for. After that Nathan came to help me clean while Stephen stayed at our new house with the kids!! We were done by 7, which was good because that is when she got home!!!!!

Sunday....we skipped church because we could barely move! Relaxed a little and then went shopping for all the necessities! Including a new set of pots and pans for ME!!! YAY!!! We also got to see a family friend from Japan AND went to a birthday party for my cousin! Super busy weekend!!! Now I have to put everything together...the kitchen is an absolute wreck and there is laundry covering the whole floor in our room!!!! LOVING all the new space though =)

Day 4

Ok, so this is a busy week because we are moving this weekend and have lots of stuff do. ANYWAYS, I have been good! I've been following the detox and I have never wanted to eat so much in my life!!! The grocery store is torture and even driving down the main road with all the restaurants is brutal. But I have been strong!!

I lost 6 lbs as of yesterday, but I weighed myself after eating this morning and it said that I gained back 3lbs. So...I don't think that is accurate, but the purpose of the detox is to cleanse your system not to lose weight.

It's not so bad. It's definitely making the week a LOT longer! But on the up side, it will make the diet I go on seem a lot less restrictive!!

Anywho, that is the scoop. I'm still doing it, I'm hungry, but hopefully my body will be more ready for the diet I start next week.